Note: this is an old post from my old site. I haven't recently been laid off.

I recently found myself in the just fabulous position of SURPRISE NO JOB! Now, given that it was a thrown-under-a-bus-made-of-everything-that-sucks kind of shock, my resume was woefully out of date.

I hate resumes. Like with metrics, you can make even the profoudest position look like utter tripe. By the same token, you can make the silliest jobs shine with Nobel Laureate glory.

But I get it. I'm not complaining about resumes. I'm just constantly fighting the urge (and sometimes losing) to keep frivolities out.

So, after reading this post, I decided to put together my own list of skills I've struggled to keep off my resume.

Skills and notable accomplishments

Majored in organic chemistry for two semesters.
Homeschooled, and haven't a) murdered anyone, b) belonged to a cult, or c) broken down in a crowded place.
Lived in Malaysia, didn't fall into a ground-hole toilet.
Skilled in the ancient art of bowling. Seriously. I was in leagues and tournaments and stuff.
Proficient in microwave use. Adept at boiling water. Just OK with ovens and making them stove.
Once watched an entire season of Arrested Development in a day.
Once watched the entirety of (new) Doctor Who in two weeks.
Compulsive apologizer, particularly with strangers, regardless of situation.
2nd place winner of "Chubbiest Cheeks," age 3.
Successfully outran a cassowary.
Successfully outran a gang of wild Indonesian monkeys.
Successfully outran a knife-wielding hillbilly teenager.
Unsuccessfully outran a pack of wild Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppies.
Level 100 sneak and lockpick in Skyrim.
Obsessively creative with Kirby in Super Smash Brothers.
Collected all of the original Pokemon trading cards.
Can speak in broken Shakespeare quotes, sometimes.
Can speak in (wildly) broken French.
Can speak fluent Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Ace Ventura, Blazing Saddles, and Christmas Vacation.
Can speak to developers without getting wildly confused.
Collector and archivist of animated gifs and ridiculous images.
Taught an African Grey to count. Only to 3, and only consecutively.
Champion belcher through my preteens. After that, I stopped trying.
Been known to fix a printer with strategic blunt force.
Have avoided collecting actual cats while living alone.
Taught ~~myself~~ overseas ~~to not look like a total idiot~~.
Knowledge of tube-feeding hairless baby rodents.
Knowledge of feeding hairless baby rodents to tube-shaped snakes.
Knowledge of internet.